The problem is I can’t go up to a person and say that I want to have coffee with them when my honest thought is I want to have an orgasm with them. I would feel like I’m lying. Coffee, gratefully, is not orgasmic for me. (Get me the right tea brew and some creamed honey and we might get somewhere.) But I’m already grappling with sexual repression, recovering from sexual abuse, and sheer fucking negotiation between learning the legal system and civil disobedience through personal autonomy, and if I can’t walk up to someone and say that we should engage in some good sexin’, then I have to learn this ridiculous cat-and-mouse game of relating between being. And it’s such a fucking STUPID game. Can’t we just fuck?
I think I’d like to believe the cultural assumptions about people hold true so these games work well. But I know so many people for whom the most fundamental cultural assumptions are the most damaging. The most endangering. The most inaccurate and malignant. But cutting the bullshit when you live as a visible and invisible minority feels damned near impossible. And very often, doing the impossible is how I live day to day. I hate how many circles I find myself tacitly reinforcing as unproblematic just to get from home to school to assignments to work to bills to home again. My care is subordinate; the world’s precious processes become paramount.
Would it kill me to say “hello, how are you, let’s share a coffee and share some superficial banter” and be done? No, theoretically. But the crass, uncouth, home-training-lacking, ign’ant, silly, horny part of me wants to say, “look, you are attractive and pretty damned awesome — let us fuck.” The last three words coming from Zack and Miri, yeah, but… the point is why aren’t we fucking right now? These words are replacing quality boot knocking time. I can’t look at your face without wondering what your skin tastes like. It very likely does not taste like coffee. Therefore, I would be wasting my time.
And in my backasswards mind, this all makes sense! It makes perfect sense even as I know socially this is very, very stupid and wrong. I can’t simplify it to nothing because for me, when I am attracted to someone, it is a big deal. I’ve been through a lot and the acknowledgment stage is very difficult. I don’t understand how to exist in a society where I am always already a sexual being by my very existence as a woman, and at the same time downplay that sexuality for the comfort of others like me and unlike me. At the same time, I can’t adopt a totally sexual presentiment; I still carry my damage on my back like an invisible explosive vest. But I am not repressed in that I am very aware of my physicality. I am very aware of what arouses me. And it is very difficult to fight the urge to shut it off when I feel it, to be in the moment, to avoid the desire to harm myself so I can stop feeling.
And in the midst of all this, there’s some coffee I’d love to be grinding.
And moreover, there are obligations I must meet, other issues I must address…
I wish I knew where normal was. I’d travel there to live, and I’d pack my neuroses, my aches and pains, my fantasies and desires, my avoidances and undesirables, and my favorite music. I’d live in normal and everything would have its right place.