Archive for January, 2009

taking my latest writing offline

Posted: January 25, 2009 in Uncategorized

not in the sense of making things here disappear (i’ve had enough of that nonsense and erasure), but in the sense of writing poems on paper first. and sometimes even last. i’ve tried to memorize too many of my own verses and expecting this internet/online addiction to come through and bring me here, heh. bring me magically to this blog, to these pages, and place itself on display.

i have relatives to visit.
i have a family relationship to mend.
i have a few online relationships to break decisively.

and then i have to reassure myself that i’m not a flake. i don’t overthink. i’m not overreacting and i’m not being a bitch. i should not beat myself up when i expect the highest common denominator of respect and i get the lowest. i should wonder why i’m so desperate for something — some connection beyond what’s in my head, what i hope to have in my heart — that i keep the lowest common denominator of respect going.

it’s time to grapple with that scary idea that maybe i’m not the center of my world. that though i’ve tried to act as if i am, place my thoughts/feelings/realities/instincts first for my health and sanity, i’m cloaking other people’s signals and intentions in my clothes and my patterns of thinking and ignoring what i’m feeling. my body is the only body i inhabit, my brain is the only brain i have, and so why am i so busy wondering what other people think and feel about this body and brain i own? what fucking difference does it make if i don’t think much of it to pay it any attention?

keeping my words to myself and not performing for some invisible audience — those motivations are likely the most productive uses of my anger. the places where people aren’t compelled to reassure or to rescue are the places i need to go.

January 20, 2009

Posted: January 23, 2009 in Poetry
Tags: ,

I feel like a little girl standing in the sun,
beams shining full on her face, grin cocked
towards heaven.

For the first time in my adult life, I understand
what spring feels like for budding flowers, and
I understand the purpose of my mouth and limbs.

I feel the earth beneath my feet tremble, and I still
want to walk on it. I still want to take step after step
towards a new beginning, a promised hope.

In my heart, a new chapter emerges where that lie
about how we can be anything (even the President)
is suddenly and irreversibly true. We can be.

In my mind, the challenges we face are daunting,
and they traipse upon our ideals of achievement
in a world of depression and doubt. Fear slithers on.

But since my dream has come alight, since the sun
feels warm on my face, the earth firm under my feet,
I can do no more than work and dream.

Change comes with seasons, and spring is the word of hope.

Resentment

Posted: January 18, 2009 in Poetry
Tags: , , ,

There’s nothing left to say
but goodbye
but I’m sorely incompetent at full departures
but I don’t owe you explanations

I can just leave

But goodbye
But I’m sorely incompetent at full departures
But I don’t owe you explanations

Every relationship is an experiment
of how much of myself I can divorce
from the equation before you notice

I can just leave

Every communication is a test
to see how much I can pretend I’m here
and I’m here to stay until you see

I’ve already gone

There’s nothing left to say
from my end, anyway, and I don’t think
it’s worth trying anything more

But goodbye
But I’m sorely incompetent at full departures
But I don’t owe you explanations

I can only leave,
I can only leave,
I can only leave

and that’s all.