and a little more.

Posted: March 14, 2009 in Poetry
Tags: , ,

there are times i wish i could call you.
there are times i wish i could talk to you.
i don’t know why i miss you. i shouldn’t.
and yet i do.
i miss hugging you.
there are times when i sit alone and i wish you were hugging me.
there are times when i sit alone and i wish i could love you again.
then i realize i’m a fully grown woman,
i’ve started a life that i’m afraid to finish,
and as weak as i feel and as low and as alone,
i can never hug you again.

i don’t feel like i know what love is.
i don’t know. i don’t know how to love.
i always read, i always sang, i always put on shows
and i never really knew why you didn’t come.
why you never watched me.
there were special times when you were there,
and we’d walk away from the event,
and you’d tell me how proud you were of me.
i never questioned. it was enough.

i remember you telling me you were hurt once.
i remember watching you cry at a funeral.
i’d never seen you cry. i’d thought you weren’t
supposed to cry. but you did. and then
i decided i’d never cry again, in case you needed me.
once you scolded me for it, and you said i was
unfeeling. selfish and unfeeling for not crying.
you’d be proud of me now.

sometimes i cry for hours. for days.
many times a week. sometimes i’d cry
in public places. in class. during movies.
in cars. alone in my room. while reading.
during plays. in church. and i’d wonder
if you were watching me somewhere in
the back of your mind, like an old movie.
no one else seemed to notice. but i hoped
you’d find me crying one day.

and i would hear you say, “i’m so proud.”

i don’t think i’ll ever stop.

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