How Illegal Aliens Took Over Wall Street and America

Posted: September 25, 2008 in Draft Dodging
Tags: ,

After the recent historical meltdown, an astute Tweetizen reminded me of the harsh truth that all Americans must face at this time.

We are all investment bankers now.

This crisis has brought us all together under one banner: the mighty American dollar.  And in the span of a couple of days, we all must sit down and think critically about how we reached this juncture without realizing the dire dangers of our risky spending. 

It started with the ambitions of a single illegal alien.  

That’s right.  I said it.  We have no time for political correctness now. If Sen. McCain can suspend his campaign, I can suspend my intelligence to state things plainly. And plainly, my investment banker siblings, it always starts with one.

And we ignored the signs, even when it appeared in the news way back when the Mexicans first began ousting CEOs.

Immigration: The Human Cost

We all shared some chuckles at this early glimpse into the source of the collapse. “Oh, it’s just The Onion! Funny story! So full of layers, like that cartoon character… Shrek! Yes! Full of layers like Shrek said!” I know. I said it too those many moons ago.

But how would we have known then that the takeover would be slow yet diabolically calculated? How would we have prevented the onslaught of countless, hardworking CEOs and bank boards falling prey to the Alien Menace?

Illegal Takeover of Time Warner, May 2008

Illegal Takeover of Time Warner, May 2008

I think I can say with confidence that we simply forgot what illegal aliens are capable of.

The United States first encountered the illegal alien in 1979 when it sent a few of our brave men and women to the final frontier to look for more resources. (Before my time — not that I’m trying to blame you guys for what’s happening now, but if the fail-shoe to recognize an Alien Menace fits…) We did not have the knowledge and technology to add and subtract until the Windows Innovation in 95, and then again in 98, and then again in 2000. So until then, the aliens had an advantage over us that we could not combat. We lost our ship to their persistence, and their oversexed ways found new methods of penetrating our financial glass ceilings.

Aftermath of Lehman Brothers Hostile Takeover, 1979.  Fmr. board member succumbs to internal misgivings about economy.

Aftermath of Lehman Brothers Hostile Takeover, 1979. Fmr. board member succumbs to internal misgivings about economy.

After that tumultuous time in 1979, we had not heard anything more about the illegal alien threat. Starting in 1982, we encountered new friends and slaves helpmates: the legal aliens. Friendly. Ambitious. Took care of our children. Limited English speaking skills… but that was okay! We could work with them to understand their intentions, subject them to our whims, and send them back home where they belonged. They were funny looking and not quite like us; but that’s why we cared for them and extended our hands in solidarity.

Alien names were only initials then. And home was a phone call away.

Alien names were only initials then. And home was a phone call away.

Five years passed, and one man saw the horror of the illegal alien resurgence with his own eyes. He wrestled with him. They were equally matched in skill and strength.

That one man is Arnold Schwarzenegger, current governor of California and staunch fiscal conservative. A man who knows financial problems are not solved in a day. Woe that he rules California alone, especially with his exceptional foreign policy experience!

The man who stared market irresponsibility in the face without blinking. And survived. And entered politics.  Predatory lending in the housing market begins, 1987.

The man who stared market irresponsibility in the face without blinking. And survived. And entered politics. Predatory lending in the housing market begins, 1987.

1987, folks. That year is the year that led us to our current state of discontent. We could not choose the right threat. And now it all crumbles around us and ravages our government, takes our tax dollars, and brings us low… low… low.

How the market crisis <em>really</em> began. The truth the media are hiding about immigration. Everything you know is a lie.

How the market crisis really began a few days ago. The truth the media is hiding about immigration. Everything you know is a lie.

So, that’s the brutal history, you guys, in a short and hard hitting phocumentary. Illegal aliens are running amok, and we have a very short period of time to deal with them before they deal with us. We have a very tough fight to secure our borders and our securities, to learn really hard math and take reckless chances, to protect four of our five homes from foreclosure. And fighting the illegal aliens is the only way out. Call your congresspeople. Let’s take back Wall Street. Let’s take back America.

Breaking: Google Earth!  Not you too!

Breaking: Google Earth! Not you too!

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